Episode 1: Meet Killface

Submitted by Bizarro

 

*The Sealab 2021 introduction begins to play but is quickly interrupted by Killface, who has a speech to make*

Killface: Greetings America. I…am…Killface. Don’t bother flicking your infernal remotes, I’ve taken over your airwaves. Now, I trust you’re all comfy on your tacky sofas from Rooms-to-Go, lots of nibbles close at hand? Well, tuck in! And why not smoke between gobbles? Yes, go for the gusto America. Live like there’s no tomorrow because as far as you squalid lot are concerned, there very much isn’t. Behold, the instrument of your doom! I call it the Annihilatrix! And when it is completed, a million giga-tons of thrust will propel the Earth, directly, into the sun. So look upon my works ye mighty, and despair!

*There is an awkward silence in which Killface looks around. He also uses the time to drink a bottle of water and clear his throat*

Killface: Ummmm…
Trent and Brent: What?
Killface: Shall we do it again?
Brent: It’s fine. It’s fine. Ok? It’s fine. Alright.
Trent: Ok? 14 takes is plenty, believe me. That’s…a lot.
Killface: Right. I was a little off the page with that last line there.
Brent: Yeah. No, no, no, no. We picked up on that alright.
Killface: Is that cool?
Trent and Brent: Manhandle it. Yes, it’s fine.
Killface: Ozymandias just felt right, you know?
Trent: Uh-Huh. Did it?
Killface: Oh god.
Trent, Brent, and Valerie: What?
Killface: You don’t think it’s copyrighted?
Brent: What?
Killface: Shelley.
Trent: Who?
Killface: Ozymandias. The poem by Shelley.
Brent: Who? That, that receptionist chick?
Trent: No. Well, it depends on when she wrote it.
Brent: She has balls out there.
Killface: Shelley was a man, you philistine
Trent: It’s fine! It’s fine!
Killface: Cheese and crust. Where on earth did you go to school?
Brent: USC Film School.
Trent: Maybe you’ve heard of it.
Killface: *sighs* And we’re…happy with this background?
Valerie: Oh my god.
Trent: Yes, we’re happy with it! Ok?
Killface: It’s not too…
Brent and Trent: NO!
Killface:…Leno-y?
Trent: IF YOU WANNA BE LENO-Y WE CAN, WE CAN HAVE YOU COMED DOWN HERE AND YOU CAN DO HIGH-FIVES! WE COULD PUT A WIG WITH A GREY STREAK IN YOUR FACE! WE COULD HAVE YOU READ OFF CUE-CARDS! WE’LL PUT KEVIN EUBANKS, OVER THERE ON GUITAR! *There’s an awkward silence.* I shouldn’t have said that.

*Killface shoots Trent splitting him right in half and thrusting him back towards the couch, as Valerie who was standing right next to him screams in terror.*

Brent: THAT’S MY TWIN BROTHER!
*Valerie continues to scream*
Killface: I want it…to be perfect.
Brent: It is! It is! Seriously man, It’s really awesome. You’re awesome.
Killface: Val?
Valerie: *Disgruntled grunt*
Killface: Well if Val’s happy, I’m happy. So, theme song and let’s run it! Oh, we need a theme song.
Brent: Ok, ummm….
Killface: Entertainment Tonight, dun dun dun dun daaa.
Brent: Uhhhhh….
Killface: What?
Brent: You mean…wait, run it where?
Killface: What do you mean where?
Brent: On what thing would we have it to run?
Killface: I want this on every single television, in the world.
Brent: Ok, well. Do you have ummm….20 billion dollars?
Killface: Yes Brent, as a matter of fact I do. Would you care to see it?

*The shot changes over to the Annihilatrix*

Killface: There’s your twenty billion, Brent! Drink it in! The fusion chamber alone cost nine billion, the…the thrust is another four! You think there’s just heaps of money left over for…WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
Brent: Uh…Um…Ahem. Media-Buy.
Killface: MEDIA-BUY.
Valerie: Please don’t kill us!
Killface: PLEASE DON’T MAKE IT SO APPEALING.
Brent: Well, what do you want us to do, man?
Killface: Well, why don’t we ask good ol’ Trent.
Valerie: Oh please don’t do that!
Brent: No, let’s not…let’s not do that! Oh god!
*Killface pulls out Trent’s body and puts it on his hand like a puppet*

 

Killface: Ladies and gentlemen, Trent! *Killface as Trent* Hey, how you doing? Good to be here!
Brent: Oh dude, put him down!
Killface: So uhhh…heard you um….went to the…went to the doctor. Uh. He had a bit of bad news for you. Is that right? *Killface as Trent* Yeah. Turns out I have Termites.
*Killface smiles and Val begins to cry.*
Killface: *As Trent again* You’re losing ‘em, boss. *Back to his normal voice* Well, I hope…you can still sing a song well I drink some water.
Brent: Come on, man.
Killface: Row, row, row your boat gent…*he begins to cough on his water*
Brent: You’re horrible!
Killface: You…turn around! Ok, turn back around. I’ve got it now.
*Killface’s cellphone rings and he drops Trent*
Killface: What…oh…I don’t know how to change the ring on this, telephone. Hello?
Phil: Sir, it’s Phil. We’ve got another problem up here.
Killface: I’m on my way. VALERIE! I want you to come over here, and make out with Trent. Just…you know…really back that thing up on him. Brent, let’s take a ride.

*Brent and Killface go for an elevator ride as Killface tries to change his ringtone*

Killface: *sigh* I’ve been trying to get Cat Party…on there.

*The elevator stops and when we next see Killface he’s holding Brent over the edge of the Annihilatrix*

Brent: AHHHHH! WAIT! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
Killface: Silence, dog!
Brent: PLEASE!
Killface: He’s from marketing.
Phil: Mm-hmm.
Killface: Phil-Brent, Brent-Phil. Now what the deuce is wrong with those couplings?
Phil: Well…they, they keep melting.
Killface: Oh, OK. OH! Did Lorraine get the gift card?
Phil: Yes, she did. That was very nice of you, sir.
Killface: Nonsense Phillip! How’s she doing?
Phil: Well, she’s...she’s still. Well, fat.
Killface: Well give her some time man. *to Brent* Phil’s wife just had a little baby girl.
Brent: Great.
Phil: Six months ago.
Killface: Phil, positive reinforcement.
Phil: Yes sir.
Killface: And speaking of…with the couplings. Can’t we just…blah blah…reroute them?
Phil: Mm-hmm. No that should work. It’s gonna some cost more.
Killface: Talk to Charlene, get a PO number, and get it done.
Phil: Will do Mr. K.
Killface: And seriously…
Phil: Yes, sir?
Killface: Lorraine needs to know you still find her desirable.
Phil: Yes sir.
Killface: Because God knows I do. I’m kidding. Get out of here.
Phil: Outside, tuna.
Killface: You see Brent, we all have jobs to do…
Brent: Great. There goes my pen. Great.
Kilface: My job is to complete the Annihilatrix and destroy mankind by driving this vile planet into the sun.
Brent: WAIT I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA!
Killface: And your job is to market it!
Brent: LISTEN, LISTEN! WE CAN GET JASON ALEXANDER!
Killface: Great!
Brent: Yeah!
Killface: You can call him when you hit the ground!
Brent: No! Wait, wait. I got another idea. Better than Jason Alexander…I got..
Killface: Don’t say David Arquette to me.
Brent: I….well now that you say that I’m not going to.

*Back at Killface’s house where he has a DVD with him and Val and Brent are standing by*

Brent: Any standard DVD player.
Killface: Or any…uh…PC it says here.
Brent: Yes. Any personal computer with DVD capabilities.
Killface: BRENT….
Val: AHHHH!
Killface: …STOP!
Brent: What?
Killface: PC…
Brent: What?
Killface: ...Stands for personal computer. I just this moment got that. VALERIE!
Valerie: AHHHH!
Killface: It’s alright if you want to laugh.
Valerie *awkwardly fake laughs*
Killface: Good girl. What’s our unit price on this?
Brent: What…including postage?
Killface: Well, unless you propose having the stork plop them down in the chimney. You know who I like is that pickle stork…that they had. …With the pickles? He was a mailman. No? Never mind. What’s the unit price?
Brent: Three-eighty.
Killface: THREE-EIGHTY?
Brent: Well, you are the one that wanted animated menus. So…
Killface: Wha…how much without animated menus?
Brent: I don’t know. Less.
Killface: Brent, you are killing me!
Brent: Well hey, you know. Look, since I don’t own a goddamn DVD factory. There’s not too fucking much I can do about it. Now is there? You fucking kidnap us right? You drag us up here. You shit on every strategy we come up with! AND BY THE WAY, THAT WEB STRATEGY WAS TIGHT! BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING BUDGET TO RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS. NOW DO YOU? *He Barks like a dog*
Killface: Are you finished?
Brent: Yeah, I’m sorry.
*Killface shoots him*
Valerie: …Please.
Killface: Look Trent! I’ve made you a play-mate. Say hello. Good lad. SIINNN!
Sinn: Yes, sire?
Killface: If you would, please draw a bath for our lovely guest here. And then get this place de-corpsed. Young Simon should be skulking home anytime now.

*They zoom in on a shot of Killface’s son Simon. Then we are shown a dry erase board that Killface is writing on.*

Killface: Not a thing dry-erase about that.
Sinn: Sire?
Killface: Come in, come in. I…oh…
Sinn: Is something amiss?
Killface: Uh, No. I…I didn’t know we were doing the geisha thing again.
Sinn: Well if Sire wishes, I can…
Killface: No, no, no. It’s fine. Really.
Sinn: I’m happy…
Killface: LEAVE US! Right then Val. Brainstorm, away! And really, get outside that old box, huh. Bearing in mind the budget of a quarter million. Aaaaaaaand….go.

*Valerie holds up a postcard*

Killface: Postcards?
Valerie: A direct…

*Killface slaps her*

Killface: POSTCARDS?
Valerie: A DIRECT MAILING CAMPAIGN, TWENTY CENTS PER UNIT, TO ONE MILLION HOUSEHOLDS!

*Killface slaps her again*

Valerie: *Can’t understand the first part* It’s the lowest cost-effective strategy.
Killface: YOU MADE ME DO THAT!
Valerie: With a maximum response of two percent.
Killface: WHAT?
Valerie: BUT ONE PERCENT IS MORE REALISTIC!
Killface: Valerie, that’s only ten-thousand people.
Valerie: Yes.
Killface: Hmmm?
Valerie: Yes.
Killface: HMMM?
Valerie: Yes!
Killface: How on God’s great earth does that cost…

*Simon opens the door*

Killface: Ah, Simon. Good to see you. And what news of the alma mater?
Simon: *mumbles incoherently but I’m pretty sure he says ‘Go to Hell papa.*
Killface: Hmm?
Simon: Shut up.
Killface: I blame the hip-hop. Right then, Val. Direct-mail, it is.
Valerie: Ok.
Killface: Right?
Valerie: Yeah.
Killface: Well then, I’ll leave you to it.
Valerie: Ok.
Killface: Phone’s on the desk. There’s a computer. You know.
Valerie: OK.
Killface: *Can’t understand that part*
Valerie: Do I dial nine?
Killface: No, just dial straight away. And then ummm…get with Sinn if you would.
Valerie: OK.
Killface: She’ll take care of your invoice, and then *Can’t understand* Right?
Valerie: Yeah.
Killface: RIGHT?
Valerie: Yes.
Killface: Good girl.

*Taquil comes up on the television set*

Taquil: Hey I met me a nasty girl. She said, “Hey Taquil, you insatiable.” I don’t know what that means but..

*Killface turns off the television set at the dinner table, which Simon is watching while eating cereal*

Killface: AND WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT SNACKS? Don’t do it. Don’t. Don’t you push that bowl of cereal on the floor.

*Simon pushes his bowl of cereal on the floor*

Simon: I wanna go back to Arizona!
Killface: WE CAN’T EVER GO BACK TO ARIZONA!

*Killface throws the remote and it turns the television back on, he gets on the floor to try and pick it up*

Taquil: Or runnin’ like a sneeze. All that jizz. Hey, all that jizz.
Killface: Can’t watch telly for five seconds without seeing that gibbering hooligan. And here I am reduced to postcards. The dry hump of marketing strategies. Well. Hope someone sees them. RIGHT?

*We get a shot of Xander Crews’s mansion where the mail is being delivered and see the postcard being put into his mailbox as ‘All That Jizz’ plays.*

 

 

Credits:
Created by
Adam Reed and Matt Thompson

Illustrated and painted by
David Caicedo, Christian Danley, Eric Sims, Casey Willis

Art directed by
Neal Holman

Animated by
Mack Williams

Audio engineer
JC Richardson

Voiced by
Mike Bell, Christian Danley, Kelly Jenrette, Mary Kraft, Adam Reed

Special Guested by
Donald Cock

Special thanks
Chuck Brock
Bob Pettitt

Interned by
Jamie Galatas
Charles Mccarthy
Katie Stockton
Ashley Zeltzer

Original Music by
Killer Mike
Casey Willis

Annihilatrix by
John Lau

Cartoon Network staff
Vishal Roney
Jennifer Stephens

Executive Produced by
Adam Reed
Matt Thompson

Executive Producers for Williams Street
Keith Crofford
Mike Lazzo