Episode two : Meet Awesome X

Submitted by Bizarro

 

*Grace Ryan is doing a newscast at the scene of a recent battle*

Grace: And the city burns. Behind me, brave firefighters heroically fight the blaze started in the battle between Disastron, the last surviving member of the Chaos Council, and our very own...
Awesome X: Awesome X!
Grace: Awesome X
Awesome X: Awesome X.
Grace: Ahem.
Awesome X: What?
Grace: Rumor has it now that you've defeated all the super villains, that you and your mercenary robots, the Xtacles...
Awesome X: Oh, hey! Good, big shout-out to the Xtacles. Harooo! Couldn't have done it without you guys.
Xtacle 1: Oh that was nice!
Xtacle 2: God, I wish we had Tivo!
Xtacle 3: Oh, now you want Tivo.
Grace: You'll finally be retiring. Is that accurate?
Awesome X: No. Ever, ever vigilant. I am a beacon of...vigilance.
Grace: OK.
Awesome X: Also a beacon of fighting.
Grace: And now that you're retiring.
Awesome X: I'm not retiring!
Grace: I guess the thanks of a grateful city are yours.
Awesome X: Oh um...you're welcome city!
Grace: For Force 10 news, I'm...
Awesome X: Thank you!
Grace: I'm...
Awesome X: Thank you city! You're awesome.
Grace: For Force 10 News, I'm Grace Ryan.
Awesome X: And I am Awesome X.

*Xander and Stan have been watching the newscast from Xander's office*

Xander: Yeah, who started a rumor Awesome X is retiring?
Stan: I may have. Umm...
Xander: Stan?
Stan: On behalf of Awesome X, issued a press release. Yes.
Xander: What the hell did you do that for?
Stan: Because now that Awesome X has defeated all the supervillians, it's time Xander Crews got focused on…
Xander: Lame
Stan: Running his huge multinational conglomerate. Now all that superhero nonsense was all well and good, but...
Xander: Nonsense? Stan I was avenging the untimely deaths of my murdered parents...who were murdered.
Stan: Yes, but...
Xander: Stan, hang on. Telephone. I'm blowing up here.
*pushes phone button* Go time! *continues ringing* Go time!
Operator: Operator
Xander: Yeah. Go time!
Grace: Hi baby. It's me!
Xander: *sigh*
Grace: Did you see my interview with Awesome X?
Xander: Yes, I did.
Grace: Well, what'd you think?
Xander: Uhhh...
Grace: I thought it went great.
Xander: Can...can you hang on a second?
Grace: OK.
Xander: Ok. CLICK! Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho. Oh my god, she's gonna be mad I did that. I don't even know why I did it. Do you think I'm selfish?

*Grace and her cameramen are still at the scene of the battle and she doesn't realize Xander has hung up on her*

Grace: Are we still on for tonight? Xander? I guess the network is down.
Crewman with glasses: Uh, I've got six bars.
Other two crewmen: Me too!
Grace: Are you people gonna load out or dick around with your phones all day?
One of the news crew: Six bars.
*They all laugh*

*In Xander's office, Arthur Watley has just dropped off a stack of documents on his desk*

Stan: That'll be all Watley.
Watley: If there's anything else I can...
Stan: Get out!
Xander: Daymn Dawg! What's all this bin’is?
Stan: That's exactly what it is! Business! P and L's, balance sheets, earnings estimates.
Xander: And why is it on my desk?
Stan: Because it's time you learned how to run a business. And the first thing you're going to do is fire the Xtacles!
Xander: The Xtacles are the backbone of the Awesome X fighting force!
Stan: They're also a five million dollar drain on the companys bottom line!
Xander: Is that all you care about Stan? The bottom line?
Stan: Yes.
Xander: Well, unless we all of a sudden lose five million dollars somehow...I'm not firing my dawgs!
Stan: Dammit!
Xander: And...I have to go ride in my limo.

*Xander is now in his Limo*

*All That Jizz plays*
*Xander's phone rings*
Xander: Go time! ...Except if it's Stan.
Grace: Hey baby, it's me!
Xander: Hey.
Grace: You know what I was thinking?
Xander: Nuh-Uh.
Grace: Now that I won't be covering those crazy battles between supervillians and Awesome X all the time. Now I can really concentrate on us.
Xander: Huh?
*jack hammer goes while she's talking*
Grace: ...Maybe finally unfreezing some of your sperm.
Xander: WHEN DID YOU FREEZE MY SPERM?
Grace: Oh, I always do that.
Xander: Wha..
Grace: We can talk about that tonight. See you at your place at 7!
*Xander eyes a hooker on the street*

*Back at Xander's house he is now in bed with her *

Hooker: Yeah baby! Oh yeah! Yeah baby!
Xander: Oh, This is so wrong. Oh my god, I'm with a prostitute!
Hooker: Yeah, come on you big black son of a bitch! Oh yeah!
Xander: What? Where did that come from?
Hooker: What?
Xander: Uh...No, don't stop. I like it.
Hooker: OK. Come on. Oh baby! No, don't stop.
*Xander hears something*
Xander: Shut up hooker!
Grace: Xander, baby? You up here? You have got to move that crazy suit of armor before it kills somebody or... *Grace opens he door to Xander's bedroom* *gasp* Ahhhhh! Wha...what are you doing here?
*Xander is now wearing the Awesome X mask*
Awesome X: Xan...uh Billy...Xander Crews said I could use his place for this hooker.
Grace: You know him?
Awesome X: We went to college together. No, we didn't! He will meet you at your place in one hour.
Grace: I ju...I just...
Awesome X: No time women! He despises tardiness! You should know that. Go! Get out!
Grace: Sorry. Bye.
Hooker: Oh my god.
Awesome X: I did not mean for her to see this.
Hooker: Xander Crews...
Awesome X: Uh...let's go back to the big black guy thing.
Hooker: You're Awesome X!
Awesome X: Oh boy.

*Xander is now in his office with Stan*

Stan: Five....million...dollars?
Xander: Well, I had to pay her off.
Stan: Dammit!
Xander: Well I can't have some blabbity mouth hooker running around with my secret identity.
Stan: What?
Xander: That's the first thing they teach you!
Stan: Nobody cares about your secret identity.
Xander: It's to protect my loved ones.
Stan: You don't have any loved ones!
Xander: *Extreme gasp* STAN!
Stan: Who? The girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?
*sad music as shot pans to a picture of Xander's parents*
Xander: Awwww....
Stan: And you can say good bye to the Xtacles.
Xander: Wha...What?
Stan: What, “what”? You just spent their entire salary for the year.
Xander: Oh, see! I knew you were going to trick me into this.
Stan: Me? You're the one who paid 5 million dollars for a blow-job.
Xander: I...uh...it was a half-and-half....first of all. Second of all, OK I'm going.

*Awesome X is in flight to the Xcalibur*

Awesome X: Awesome X to Excalibur, I'm on final approach.
Xtacles: He's coming. Everybody in final position!
*The Xtacles ready their weapons and crouch to a hidden position*
*Awesome X enters and all is quiet*
Awesome X: Yo. Where the hell are you guys?
Xtacles: Let's do this!
*The Xtacles spring from their hidden positions with guns raised at Awesome X*
Awesome X: AMBUSH! *Awesome X begins firing at the Xtacles while he makes gun noises* Go time mother-fuckers! Bring it you cyborg sons of bitches! *Xander kills several Xtacles*
Xtacle: What are you doing? It's a surprise party!
Awesome X: Ahem. Do what now?
Kevin: Because we love you.
Awesome X: Well, why the hell were you pointing those damn guns at me?
*Xtacle shoots off bubble gun* We got 'em at the party store.
*flashback of Xtacles in a party store*
Xtacle with Nixon mask: Hey guys, check this out. I will open communist China to the west.
Xtacle 2: Put that back.
*flashback ends*
Awesome X: Oh, I thought you wanted to kill me because I came up here to fire you.
Xtacles: What? Fire us?
Awesome X: Yeah...take a knee gang.
*several minutes have passed*
Awesome X: But the Crews company funds the entire Awesome X corporation. So...you know...take it up with Xander Crews.
Xtacles: Let's kill that son of a bitch!
Awesome X: You know, let's don't. He's a good guy, we don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys. It's in our charter.
Xtacles: So, what's up with our 401ks?
Awesome X: *looks away*
Xtacles: What? We still have health insurance right? Oh my god health insurance I need that!
Xander: Ahem.
Xtacles: What? Are we at least eligible for COBRA?
Awesome X: What the...the little the GI Joe dolls?
Xtacles: No, not the GI Joe dolls. Oh that reminds me...give me the...where is it? Kevin made you this. We all kind of helped before you shot him in the face.
*Awesome X opens a box with a clay figure in his likeness*
Awesome X: Oh, you guys! Guys....this! I mean, this is...
Xtacles: Yeah, it's sculpey.
Awesome X: This is awesome!
Xtacles: Well, we all kind of helped.
Awesome X: And I think I just found a way to save our jobs.
Xtacles: Except Kevin, and Mike. Both Mikes.
Awesome X: Aw, Fat Mike too?

*Stan is in the Crews Company board room heading a meeting with many clones of himself*

Stan Clones: Harumph! Harumph! Harumph!
Stan: Order, please everyone. Order! Now then, first item on the agenda is...*glass breaks* *Xander enters with a briefcase* Mr. Crews?
Xander: Hey. No, don't get up. How's everybody doing? ...Weird.
Stan: Mr. Crews, this is certainly a surprise.
Xander: Yeah I bet. But I'm...I'm here. I'm here to run the company, so...
Stan Clone: Harumph!
Xander: Hey buddy.
Xander: And also, from now on we're doing this. *Xander pulls out an Awesome X action figure from the briefcase*
Stan: I'm sorry?
Xander: Cause from now on I converted our factories into making these little guys.
Stan Clone: Harumph! Harumph! Harumph!
Xander: Fawoooosha! That's him flying.

*Stan and Xander are now in Xander's office*
*Stan crushes Awesome X action figure*
Xander: What?
Stan: Doll factories?
Xander: You said if I could make the Awesome X brand a profitable part of this company, I could keep on doing whatever I want.
Stan: No, I didn't.
Xander: Well, you implied it.
Stan: NO!
Xander: Hey!
Stan: I DID NOT!
Xander: Tone of voice! Look, I don't care what “Boys from Brazil” thing you've got going on in there, but I'm still the boss in here. And we're making Awesome X dolls and they're going to kick so much ass, you'll probably go blind! And if you still have a problem with that, there's the big ass door!
Stan: You're not going to sell doll one without a villain, you ninny! A Cobra to your GI Joe, A Stretch Monster to your Stretch Armstrong, a Decepticon to your Autobot!
Xander: I'm one step ahead of you Stan. Check it.
*a hatch in the floor opens and Watley rises now with huge lobster claws where his forearms used to be*
Stan: Sweet mother of god.
Wattley: Hi Mr. *coughs*
Stan: Wattley?
Xander: Yeah. No, no. This monster man is...
Wattley: The Dread Lobster.
Xander: The Dread Lobster.
Stan: What?
Xander: He's a super villain for Awesome X to battle so we can uhh...drive the sales, Stan. Thoughts?
Stan: He's an abomination!
Xander: Well, it was his idea.
Wattley: Which, looking back, I guess I really didn't think through.
Xander: Keep them up buddy. *Chicka Chicka*
Stan: Why is he so pale?
Xander: I don't know. Why are you so pale Wattley?
Wattley: I think maybe my body...is...rejecting the claws.
Xander: Well, cut it out! *Wattley faints* Wattley? Wattley? Ugh. Is he dead?
Stan: He's damn close.
Xander: Take his neck pulse
Stan: That's what I'm...
Xander: Don't go into the light Wattley!
Stan: You imbecile!
Xander: Hey! Hurtful!
Stan: Sit down! 250 years, this company has been in your family. And from slaves and small pox brackets, to soft-core porn and semi-conductors; it's always made a profit! But with one fell, idiotic swoop, you ruined it. I'm just glad you're murdered parents aren't here to see this.
Xander: My murdered parents wanted me to be happy! And this can make me happy, Stan. Fiscal sales of Awesome X dolls.
Stan: Nobody is going to buy a superhero doll without a villain to fight!
Xander: Well then, I'm kind of at a loss...unless...uh...ooo...what about this guy? *Xander holds up Killface's postcard* For the villain?
Stan: What?
Xander: My man.
Stan: When did this get here?
Xander: Uh. Apparently it's been here the whole time.
*End*

Credits

Created by

Adam Reed

Matt Thompson

Voiced by

Stuart Culpepper

Christian Danley

Neal Holman

Scott Lipe

Kate Miller

Tiffany Morgan

Eric Sims

Illustrated and painted by

David Caicedo

Christian Danley

Eric Sims

Casey Willis

Art Directed by Neal Holman

Animated by

Mack Williams

Audio Engineer

JC Richardson

3D Modeling by

Matt Giovingo

Additional Artwork by

John Lau

Interned by

Charles Mccarthy

Katie Stockton

Ashley Zeltzer

Original Music by

Casey Willis

Performed by

Killer Mike

Cartoon Network staff

Vishal Roney

Jennifer Stephens

Executive Produced by

Adam Reed

Matt Thompson

Executive Producers for Williams Street

Keith Crofford

Mike Lazzo