Episode 3: Pimp my revenue

Submitted by Bizarro

 

*Taqu'il is on the Mitzi and Verl show as a clip from his movie is playing*

Taquil: I can't believe that bitch shot me! You gotta' take me to the hospital!
Brock: You know I can't do that Jimmy.
Taquil: But Damn Brock
Brock: You 'aint gonna die. Say it!
Taquil: I'm all shot up man.
Brock: You aint gonna die, say the freakin' word.
*Clown Horn*
Taquil: I aint gonna die, I aint gonna die, I aint gonna die.
*applause*
Verl: Folks, put it all together for Taquil!
Mitzi: Taquil everybody!
Taquil: ? (Piece of skeet?)
Verl: And his new film is 'Some Like It Krump.' (?)
Mitzi: He's a rapper.
Verl: And was that a new Scion TC?
Taquil Yeah man. Scion's full on behind the movie, cross promotions, tight ends, doing big ass direct mailing.
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: Bringing us to our item of the day! *Verl holds up one of Killface's postcards* Did you get one of these in the mail?
Mitzi: Yeah!
*Xander and Stan are watching the show from his office*
Xander: And phase one begins Stan. Is your ass ready to be rocked?
Stan: Why is he...
Xander: I ask you.
Stan: Why is he on our network?
Xander: Becausssssssse it's too complicated for me to explain.
Stan: What did...
Xander: I know, that's how great it is.
*Killface is watching the show on a TV in his kitchen*
Killface: Great, My god it's fantastic! Simon, look! Papa's postcard is on telly! Don't! *Simon knocks his bowl off the counter and runs off* I won't let you spoil this mood. You hear this? You hear me smiling? SINNNN!
Sinn: Yes, sire?
Killface: Simon's had another spill
Sinn: If he always throws his food on the floor, how is he so fat?
Simon: *Sobs and runs off again*
Killface: Now look what you've done!
Sinn: Sire, I'm sorry
Killface: Apologize to his self-esteem! We've talked about the chubby cycle. One snarky comment like that and he's right back in the cupboard. He was doing so well
Sinn: Yes Sire.
Killface: Three pounds this week
Sinn: Yes
Killface: Shut up. Just shut up and eat that cereal!
Sinn: It's got glass in it...*sigh*
Killface: Mmm
*Mitzi and Verl are still talking about Killface's postcard*
Mitzi: Oh my god I know, it's "??"
Verl: Well look. Did you see this? Scared Rose half out of her mind this thing!
Mitzi: This guy...this um...what is it...
Taquil: Killface.
Mitzi: Yes! He's terrifying.
Killface: Yes! He's evil personified!
Taquil: Yeah, but cameraman, can you push in on this? It says, “Welcome to you apostrophe r-e doom.”
*Boos*
Verl: And he's got doom in quotes!
Taquil and Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: Which it shouldn't be!
Mitzi: Oh I just hate when it when people do that. I just want to throw acid in their face. Do you know what I mean? * audience laughs* Yes.
Taquil: Nice use...send a postcard -----??
*Killface is now banging his head on the counter*
Verl: Ooo, I'm gonna throw it outside with them ?? Like Ooo...there's a coupon on there.
*laughter*
Mao: *Watching from his shop* Three piece, 6.99
Mitzi: Gee, it's so funny with the coupons.
Verl: Well it was good for a laugh. OK. The movie is 'Some Like it Krump'
Taquil: Opens Friday, check it out!
Verl: Folks, Taquil!
*applause*
Taquil: Peace and Jizz? (?)
Mitzi: Yeah! Put it all together
Killface: VALERIE!

*Killface is now with Valerie*

Killface: Why does it say "Welcome to you are doom?" What does that even mean and why for gods sakes is doom in quotes?
Valerie: I don't know
Killface: Is this some sort of ironic doom? Is the wink implied?
Valerie: You know, I don't know.
Killface: No, it isn't! So please tell me how and why I'm suddenly a laughing stock!
Valerie: Umm...Because you signed off on the proofs.

*Xander is giving a presentation on the big screen in his office*

Xander: Then we pump those profits back into the uh profit cycle to generate even more profits. And I uh... I Know what you're going to say, "Profits?" Yes Stan. You're soaking in them. Thoughts?
Stan Clone: Harumph!
Xander: Dude, are you even listening?
*Stan walks in*
Stan: Sorry, I was jonesing for a Chick-Parm.
Stan clone: Harumph!
Stan: Nope! Go get your own.

*Killface is talking to Valerie while on an exercise machine*

Killface: And then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off.
Valerie: But you signed off on...
Killface: Mention those proofs again and just see what happens Valerie!
Valerie: Look, bad grammar aside, 40 million people just saw your postcard.
Killface: Bugger me. They pull those numbers?
Valerie: It's the highest rated daytime show ever.
Killface: Ugh, I hate America
Valerie: And their booker owes me a favor
Killface: No, she doesn't! Valerie if you could get me on 'Live with Mitzi and Verl'. I'd ahhh! Now, I'd want two segments and not the one right after Verl's monologue. That's, that's garbage time. But the next two right after the break! Valerie, you get me on there and you just name your reward!
Valerie: I'd like for you to let me go.
Killface: Well you know, except for that.

*Mitzi and Verl show*

Verl: We are back, and can you believe those girls?
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: That was the Lennox Avenue Ladybugs, double-dutch city champs of New York!
Mitzi: You know, I used to be pretty good at the old jump rope, Verl.
Verl: Oh! You want to get the girls back out here and see what Mitzi can do?
Mitzi: Who wants to see me get my double-dutch on?
Verl: OK, let's bring 'em out and wha...what? Oh, Melvin says we don't have time! *audience booing*
Mitzi: Oh, isn't he a poop?
Verl: And we don't have time because our next guest.
Killface: You can do this. Hello Verl and you must be Mitzi. Oh. The crowd loves me.
Verl: Holy bologna! This guy! We talked about him last week. Remember when Taquil was on?
Mitzi: Oh. Is Taquil not the bomb? Am I right girls? I mean, I'm married...but I aint that married.
Verl: I hope Lloyd's not watching.
Mitzi: Lloyd knows I don't like black guys anymore. *Audience gasp* And he better be at work! The bling-bling aint free Verl.
Verl: Holy smokes! Would you look at the size of that thing?
*the extacles are watching from Excalibur*
Xtacle 1: Dude, that's got to be six karats.
Xtacle 2: Mmmm.
Verl: They are so in love!
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: And I'm in love with our next guest. He's...oh...oh we've gotta take a break. We'll be right back folks!
*Killface is watching from backstage*
Killface: What? They just wasted my entire first segment! Just gibbering!
Chuck: No, that's the kind of snappy repartee we love over at Scion, man. Hi, Charles Charmer, Scion Marketing. You can call me Chuck!
Killface: Yeah, how's the health plan over at Scion?
Chuck: It's great! PPO, man!
*Killface attacks and we hear Chuck screaming*
Chuck: Oh, ah! My skin
Verl: We are back with our next guest. He calls himself the Scourge of God
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: Says he's gonna push the planet into the sun.
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: Bing-Bong-Bing
Mitzi: Put it all together!
Verl: Make some noise for Killface!
*silence*
Killface: Um...Thank you.
Verl: What? Is the applause sign broken? Oh-ho. *light applause*
Killface: Oh thanks.
Verl: Oh don't listen to them. Terrible crowd! *Boos*
Mitzi: Yeah!
Killface: Maybe they had some of the...green-room...snacks.
*silence*
Killface: Hmmm.
Verl: So big guy, you're gonna destroy the World?
Killface: Yes, that's my ultimate goal...Umm..what?
Mitzi: Big-guy is right! Oh look at those pecs! *applause* Right? I would kill for a chest like that! Ba-Dump-Bump!
Xtacle: Heh heh heh. I wish I had somebody like her growing up.
Mitzi: Am I right?
Xtacle 2: Dude, save it for group.
Mitzi: Oh, tell me you work out.
Killface: Not as often as I should I'm afraid.
Mitzi: Somebody's fishing for a compliment.
Killface: No...No...Honestly.
*Fish comes down from the ceiling, laughter from the audience*
Mitzi: *Gasps*
Killface: What?
Mitzi: He should come on for Fitness Fridays!
Killface: Fitness?
Verl: Absolutely-tutely he should!
Mitzi: Am I right?
Verl: Fitness Fridays!
Mitzi: Woo-Hoo!
Verl: Big guy, how much you bench?
Killface: You know... I don't know really...
Verl: I bet you do 240!
Killface: Actually it's closer to 900.
Verl: 900 pounds, this guy!
Killface: Actually, it's kilos.
Verl: 900 Kilograms.
Mitzi: Well, he's foreign, Verl!
Verl: That's like a Scion! Think you could, think you could, think you could bench a Scion?
Killface: Well I don't know…
Mitzi: He should bench a Scion!
Verl: Fitness Friday, you come back we'll get with the good folks at Scion, and you'll bench a new Scion TC!
Killface: Will you stop...
Verl: Alright?
Killface: Please stop talking...
Verl: Oh boy. Randy. Tell 'em about the new Scion TC!
*camera cuts to a scion promo*
Killface: No...
Randy: Introducing the Scion Tc. The bold, sleek styling is all like ka-kow(?), but the 2.4 liter dual overhead cam engine with 160 horsepower is all like KA-KOW! The Scion TC, Verl. It's what moves you! *applause*
Verl: What moves you indeed Randy.
Xtacle: Like to take that to the beach.
Xtacle 2: Shotgun!
Xtacle 3: Yeah, you at the beach. With your skin?
Verl: Love the Scion Tc!
Mitzi: Love, love, love the Scion TC!
Killface: If I could just-
Verl: Rose would (?) 24/7
Mitzi: Knowing Rose, it's 25/7 (Not sure about that part either.)
Killface: I want you to stop talking...
Verl: Verl what about the new Scion TC? Verl, let's get a new Scion TC! Verl, with a new panoramic powerglide moon roof and a two in one carpet with cargo match you can't go wrong. Verl, Verl, Verl. With a new Scion TC..
Xtacle 2: Oh my god I need that!
Mitzi: You have to get her one!
Killface: *sighs*
Verl: I know. It's a great car!
Mitzi: The amber instrument panel illumination is standard Verl! Standard!
Xtacles: Scion Tc! Scion Tc!
Mao: Scrion TC!
Verl: Should I get Rose a new Scion TC?
Mitzi: It's got an MP3 player jack. For ripping and burning, or whatever!
Verl: What do you think big guy?
Killface: I don't know.
Verl: What's not to know? It's a great car.
Mitzi: Verl! You should get everybody a Scion TC!
Chuck: No Ronnie! They're going nuts for it! Listen! Also, can you transfer me to HR?
*Chuck is talking on the phone and now is missing his skin*
Mitzi: They're eager for a new Scion, Verl!
Verl: Ok, Ok! Everybody look under your seats! *applause*
Killface: STOP IT! *applause stops* First of all, Oprah already gave her audience cars. *audience boos*
Verl: Not the new Scion TC, she didn't!
Killface: You waste one segment clucking like a goose about that damn ring. And I hope you know a good appraiser because if that's not paste, I'll eat my hat.
Mitzi: *Gasp*
Killface: Now my last segment has fallen victim to Scion fever!
Verl: Cause we love the new Scion TC! *applause*
Killface: Shut up! There's a clear line between entertainment and advertising and you've bloody well crossed it! Those 18 to 24s you're so keen on, detest being pitched to! *Scion commercial plays in the background* And when I destroy the world, they won't have much use for those 17 inch alloy wheels! *laughter* So...what? No, no! Turn that off there! Stop it! I won't be your pitchman! You hear me? You're all doomed!
Verl: Doomed to enjoy the new Scion TC! *applause*
Mitzi: Yeah!
Verl: We'll be right back, with new Scion TCs for everybody!
Mitzi: Yeah!

*Stan and Xander have been watching the show from Watley's hospitol room*

Stan: That was your big plan? What did that even accomplish?
Xander: It set the stage for phase 2, Stan!
Stan: What the Hell is phase 2?
Xander: I'm thinking Las Vegas!
Watley: I like to call it Lost Wages!
Xander: Niiiice!

*Kill face is standing outside of the TV studio*

Killface: What a colossal waste of time. And I defy this day to get any worse.
Random guy: Hey! There goes a new Scion TC! Damn, that is tight!
Killface: I hate this country.
*Xtacles race by in a Scion TC*
Xtacles: Scion TC! Scion TC! *they splash Killface with a puddle of mud*
Killface: SON OF A WHORE! YES, HAVE FUN DRIVING YOUR NEW SCION TC AROUND ON THE SUN! Perfectly happy with my gift bag. What the? The Lennox Avenue Ladybugs got fleeces!

*End*